Let's All Play...What The HELL Is It?

I first saw one of these BUTT-UGLY bugs last year. I was sitting outside on my balcony when one came ZOOMing by and landed on the railing. I couldn't believe how big and UGLY it was! I ran inside for my camera but by the time I got back the bug was gone.

That was last year. Then, a week or so ago I came home from work at lunchtime and saw this guy on the ground, dead as a doornail! It was during the heatwave we had, so maybe it just succombed to the heat. Whatever did it in, one thing was for sure - this guy wasn't gonna fly away like the last one did! I brought it inside and took these pictures of it.

I can't tell if the eyes are the little redish dots toward the center of the head or the large bulbous things out on the corners.

You can see here it's over 2 inches long! It's back looks like armor plating! Here's a close-up.

One more of it's botom...

Kinda looks like it has a long stinger between it's legs. Please, say it ain't so...

I looked around a bit on the internet for an insect identifier, and I found a couple, but I couldn't itentify this thing.